I think I get it

e·piph·a·ny –noun, plural -nies.

a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.

I think I had one. And I think it's about time in that Jayme just finished her sophomore year at BU. :x

     Scenario: Jayme wanted to come home for the weekend.

     Before: Get in the car and go get her.

          :::insert commonplace experience:::

     Jayme: Mom, don't come get me. I can take the train home.

And there ya go. My daughter looked into the whole process, paid for it and did it. And I didn't have to do a thing  ... except wait.

It was this waiting that made me realize that this is really where we are now. Instead of being proactive or reactionary in my girls' lives, I'm here as always, but it's an on-call type of thing.

I've taught and led by example and shared so much over the years and they have been phenominal students of those teachings.


I asked my mom how she learned to get through the long absences of her children in her life. In a wonderful moment of clarity she said, "You never get used to it. You just learn to live with it."

Such wisdom is irreplaceable. It only comes from years of loving and mothering.



My girls call and they call often. I'm so lucky in that regard. There is no doubt that I have value in their lives. I am so thankful for that and for the love we share.

I miss them. I miss what was. But, I am so very excited to see what lies ahead. I know that they will have wonderful lives because their foundation is strong.

What a milestone for me. It took me two years to finally figure out what being a mom to adult daughters is about. I'm still learning, but I think I'm finally on the right track.

I'll leave you with this one comment from Jayme. As she's waiting for the train to Grafton from somewhere in Boston, she calls and exclaims, "Mom, did you know you can take the train to Washington, D.C.? Or New York? I could go anywhere."

Yes Sweet Girl, I know you can. :)

30 Years

It's been a while since I've posted, but it's not for lack of thought. So many things flooding into my brain that sorting them out isn't always easy, nor a priority.

Jim and I clocked a major milestone in our life together. Thirty years of marriage ... it's mind-boggling.

I look at our wedding pictures and see two people who thought they had it figured out, had a plan. And now, I see two people who truly had no idea.

So many lessons this life has taught me. I see this young woman to my left and am amazed at where she is today.

Here are some of my lessons:

1) Love without commitment isn't strong enough to get you through.
2) Being a wife will test me like no other.
3) Being a wife has taught me to put someone else first.
4) I CAN live without him, I CHOOSE not to.
5) Being right isn't always what it's about.
6) Romance novels lie.
7) "Ugly" isn't just seeing each other without makeup.

8) There are no guarantees that the plan you start with is the one you end with.
9) Each day is a new day with new opportunities.
10) There's always a way to give just a little more, no matter how hard it is.
11) Never say never ... except for this one ... NEVER go to bed angry. Ever.
12) The power of touch can diffuse the darkest of days.
13) Starting over is easier with him. And in 30 years, we've started over many times.
14) Let him do the dishes ... even if they have to be rewashed before using.
15) Forgive. Forget. The first is easier than the second.
16) History does not have to repeat itself.
17) When the kids are gone, we are what's left.
18) It's OK to have separate interests.
19) Communication is critical.
20) Temptations happen (thanks Adam and Eve).

I could go on cuz 30 years is a ton of time together. And now we move on towards our 31st year as a married couple. Where will that journey take us?

Struggles

Struggling with a sense of purpose. The burden is heavy and overwhelming at times.

It's OK to Relax

I've come to realize that it's OK. It's OK that on the weekends we relax. For some time now I've struggled with guilt over relaxing. For so long in our lives the weekends were spent catching up and cramming life into 48 hours.

With just me and Jim, it really is OK to relax.

I have to keep telling myself that. There's time during the week now to do what needs doing so life isn't jammed into just two days anymore.

It really is OK. It's OK to relax.

I'm still not good at it. And I still feel like we should have a long list of things to do like always. But that's not the case anymore. We always have a to-do list, but it's not insurmountable anymore.

I've been thinking about this for a couple weeks now.

It really is OK.

What's next?

I'm sitting here watching the Pit Bulls and Paroles marathon and crying. Damn it. What am I supposed to do with my life? What is round two supposed to be? I have so much left to give, but what am I being called to do? Should I rescue more dogs? Morgan would love that. Should we become foster parents again? I definitely have the compassion to parent. Should I use love of crafts to create for those in need? I bought a new sewing machine, so could do that. Should I write the books that I've been thinking about since before Sara's wedding? Should I get into making dog treats? Would love to buy an RV and get involved in camping/travel. Agility with Morgan? How fun would that be! What is the direction I'm being called in? I just don't know.

Jim and I were talking today and I feel like 2011 is a year of discovery for me. I feel like I'm learning to face the changes in our lives. Today is the first time I've cried since Jayme went back to school. And the tears weren't out of loneliness as in the past. The tears were more about frustration in what's next and when will I find it.

I've sat here wondering what to write as so many thoughts are running through my mind. No clarity today other than I know I'm on the brink of something, just not sure what that something is.

Kiss it, Mommy

I remember a time when a kiss, a hug and a band-aid would send the girls back to whatever it was they were doing. Even the bigger ouchies that came from broken bones and surgeries could be made better with some TLC.

And now? Not even close. There isn't a band-aid big enough to ease the pain of a broken heart or the ache from choices that are made for all the right reasons, yet still seem off somehow.

Being Mom to two adult daughters is toughest, I think, when they are hurting. Whether that hurt is from love or the world or a personal choice or whatever, stepping back and waiting is so hard. As the mom to a young child, it was easy to jump in and fix it. That same desire is there now, but no longer appropriate. Now the role is one of support and guidance, not fixer.

All that being said, and as hard as it can be, there is a tremendous sense of pride when I see the girls rising up from the sorrow and moving on. It's then that I'm able to catch glimpses of a lifetime of mothering and how through the sorrow there is joy. As moms we wonder if we've done good by our kids. It's times like this when I can see that I have.

My girls are strong women. They are smart women. They are amazing beyond words. And while I miss my little girls, I am so proud of the women they have become. And gosh darn it, I had a part in that.

As I bring this post to a close, I have tears. Not sure why because they tend to come on their own and without warning, but they are there even with a smile on my face. I've done a good job. I was a good mom and will continue to be a good mom.

Hmmm ... I think  I just rearranged my nest a little. It feels good. :)

Finding my rhythm

Here I sit with the dog asleep across my leg and the house is eerily quiet. Some days, actually most days, I just find the TV annoying.

Dani told me that I was a good mom. For the most part, I think she's right. But knowing what to do with daughters that are finding their own way isn't always easy. Life beats on.

When there are kids in the house a home takes on a craziness that becomes the norm. Running from one activity to the next, making sure homework is done and accurate, mountains of laundry and dishes and meals and oh gosh, there just seems to be so much going on that the days flow at break-neck speed. It's a song that writes itself within the life of a vibrant family.

And now, there's silence. I can turn on the radio or the TV and Morgan can surely bark with the best of them, but that's noise. It's not the sounds of a family flowing through their days. That's what's missing. That's part of what's so hard to face.

I remember wishing for my own "5 Minutes Peace." This is a great book, by the way, for any mom with little ones. :)


I remember wishing I could just stitch all day. Or lounge around in my jammies. And now I can do that and so much more. It just doesn't seem to be fulfilling enough. Why? What's wrong with me that I long for the days when there was so much going on? When I would be so tired at the end of the day that the end of the day couldn't come fast enough? When I would tell the girls that while I had two ears I could only listen to one of them at a time. Just writing about it makes me smile. A home and family life with so much pumping through every room.

I find myself loving the direction my children have taken in their lives. Sara has an amazing husband and a wonderful career that fits her perfectly. Jayme is on her way at BU and doing so well. Isn't that what our job is? To prepare our children for their future? In that regard, I'm a great mom. I couldn't be more proud of my girls.

So why the heck do I get so sad? It's really frustrating.

As I told Dani, the drum still beats; I just have to find the rhythm.