I'm sitting here watching the
Pit Bulls and Paroles marathon and crying. Damn it. What am I supposed to do with my life? What is round two supposed to be? I have so much left to give, but what am I being called to do? Should I rescue more dogs? Morgan would love that. Should we become foster parents again? I definitely have the compassion to parent. Should I use love of crafts to create for those in need? I bought a new sewing machine, so could do that. Should I write the books that I've been thinking about since before Sara's wedding? Should I get into making dog treats? Would love to buy an RV and get involved in camping/travel. Agility with Morgan? How fun would that be! What is the direction I'm being called in? I just don't know.
Jim and I were talking today and I feel like 2011 is a year of discovery for me. I feel like I'm learning to face the changes in our lives. Today is the first time I've cried since Jayme went back to school. And the tears weren't out of loneliness as in the past. The tears were more about frustration in what's next and when will I find it.
I've sat here wondering what to write as so many thoughts are running through my mind. No clarity today other than I know I'm on the brink of something, just not sure what that something is.
Dearest friend,
ReplyDeleteYour posts evoke memories of my own past. I floundered and struggled the first few years after Allison flew away.
I only have this experience to offer you. I am a "take action" kind of women just like you. I am a fixer and I was determeined to "fix" this situation. So, I jumped into Hospice only to be frustated that the opportunities to help didn't work our for me. A whole long story but it was a struggle, a hard effort for me to give my time to Hospice after being so sure that was where my efforts were needed. I then volunteered for several ministries at church. No one ever called me back, not one effort came to fruition. I prayed about all this fruitless effort to get out there and be useful to someone.
The answer I received was not to force something on myself. God knows your heart and what direction is best. All the difficutiles and barriers I faced were his guidance that those directions were not mine. Once again, my life lesson of patience was taught to me.
Alice, please give yourself time to let the world unfold for you. There is a new direction out there for you that will define you in unexpected ways. Your path forward should be smooth and rest easy on your soul.
Love you so much and are with you in spirit during this transformative time.
Laurie