Buck Naked!

Jim blows through the door about 5:30ish with a big ambition of not only cutting the grass, but doing the trimming as well. I cannot hide my excitement at getting both big tasks done this early in the week. My lucky day for sure!

I go about my business of finishing up my own work and smile to myself as I hear the lawn mower going and Morgan barking, just happy to be outside.

Wrapping up work takes a little longer than I thought as I remember at the last minute an email that must be sent. Signing back on, I hear the weed trimmer going. I smile again as this is just amazing.

Silence outside. Wait for it ...

In come Morgan and Jim, but I know they're coming long before they enter as the smell of gas from the lawn mower permeates the air.

Wait for it ...

I look over and there stands my triumphant husband. So proud of his accomplishments for the day. There he stands ... still in his polo and khakis from work.

I know. I can hear a collective groan from the ladies out there.

Yep. He cut the grass and did the trimming in his good work clothes. Now, how do I salvage the goodness of this day all the while less-than-happy at the condition of his work clothes?

"Don't sit on the furniture," I say as he hops back up.

"Guess I'll go shower." I nod in agreement.

"Strip," I say laughing at his look.

"You aren't taking those smelly clothes upstairs. Strip 'em all off and leave 'em in the laundry room. I'll wash them right now."

Amid his protests of not being able to do that because ... well, he never woulda done something like that before, I remind him that we no longer have kids in the house. We can run naked through the house if we so choose.

Buck naked, he runs through the kitchen yelling "whoooohooooooooo"!

And as I sit in the family room laughing, I wonder about the freedoms that lie ahead. Our 50s are looking better and better.

Listen to myself

While driving Jayme back to Boston we were talking about what she hopes to accomplish during the next softball season. She was venting about how she wants to be able to hit home runs because she feels that’s what gets all the attention.

Home runs are exciting and definitely add the dramatic flair to a game. It’s like a huge punctuation mark, but not everyone’s role is to hit home runs. And thus I shifted into motherly-advice mode.

We talked about how there's a need for balance on a team. Some are there to add power to the mix while others are there to get on base, however they can, and steal bases.

“Jayme, you need to see your skill set and know that what you bring to the table has value,” i said with great conviction and encouragement.

“Instead of focusing on what you can’t do, focus on what you CAN do and be the very best at that.”

That is the very same advice I’ve given Sara over the years when she would fret about not being able to run or play sports (“like the others”) or any number of things. My focus was always about recognizing limitations, accepting challenges and focusing on what you can do.

Whoa.

Am I listening to myself?

I need to.

All my tears about a time gone by and the sorrow that goes with missing something so amazing … I’ve spent so much energy there that I’ve missed the power of what I can do.

I feel empowered in finally recognizing the obvious. It’s been right there before me all along clouded by a fog of hormones and sadness.

Whoooohoooooo! I’ve turned a corner out of sadness and into … hmmm … I’m not sure what I’ve turned a corner into yet, but I can at least look in the rear-view mirror and see that I’ve left darkness behind. I'm excited!

I think I get it

e·piph·a·ny –noun, plural -nies.

a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.

I think I had one. And I think it's about time in that Jayme just finished her sophomore year at BU. :x

     Scenario: Jayme wanted to come home for the weekend.

     Before: Get in the car and go get her.

          :::insert commonplace experience:::

     Jayme: Mom, don't come get me. I can take the train home.

And there ya go. My daughter looked into the whole process, paid for it and did it. And I didn't have to do a thing  ... except wait.

It was this waiting that made me realize that this is really where we are now. Instead of being proactive or reactionary in my girls' lives, I'm here as always, but it's an on-call type of thing.

I've taught and led by example and shared so much over the years and they have been phenominal students of those teachings.


I asked my mom how she learned to get through the long absences of her children in her life. In a wonderful moment of clarity she said, "You never get used to it. You just learn to live with it."

Such wisdom is irreplaceable. It only comes from years of loving and mothering.



My girls call and they call often. I'm so lucky in that regard. There is no doubt that I have value in their lives. I am so thankful for that and for the love we share.

I miss them. I miss what was. But, I am so very excited to see what lies ahead. I know that they will have wonderful lives because their foundation is strong.

What a milestone for me. It took me two years to finally figure out what being a mom to adult daughters is about. I'm still learning, but I think I'm finally on the right track.

I'll leave you with this one comment from Jayme. As she's waiting for the train to Grafton from somewhere in Boston, she calls and exclaims, "Mom, did you know you can take the train to Washington, D.C.? Or New York? I could go anywhere."

Yes Sweet Girl, I know you can. :)

30 Years

It's been a while since I've posted, but it's not for lack of thought. So many things flooding into my brain that sorting them out isn't always easy, nor a priority.

Jim and I clocked a major milestone in our life together. Thirty years of marriage ... it's mind-boggling.

I look at our wedding pictures and see two people who thought they had it figured out, had a plan. And now, I see two people who truly had no idea.

So many lessons this life has taught me. I see this young woman to my left and am amazed at where she is today.

Here are some of my lessons:

1) Love without commitment isn't strong enough to get you through.
2) Being a wife will test me like no other.
3) Being a wife has taught me to put someone else first.
4) I CAN live without him, I CHOOSE not to.
5) Being right isn't always what it's about.
6) Romance novels lie.
7) "Ugly" isn't just seeing each other without makeup.

8) There are no guarantees that the plan you start with is the one you end with.
9) Each day is a new day with new opportunities.
10) There's always a way to give just a little more, no matter how hard it is.
11) Never say never ... except for this one ... NEVER go to bed angry. Ever.
12) The power of touch can diffuse the darkest of days.
13) Starting over is easier with him. And in 30 years, we've started over many times.
14) Let him do the dishes ... even if they have to be rewashed before using.
15) Forgive. Forget. The first is easier than the second.
16) History does not have to repeat itself.
17) When the kids are gone, we are what's left.
18) It's OK to have separate interests.
19) Communication is critical.
20) Temptations happen (thanks Adam and Eve).

I could go on cuz 30 years is a ton of time together. And now we move on towards our 31st year as a married couple. Where will that journey take us?

Struggles

Struggling with a sense of purpose. The burden is heavy and overwhelming at times.

It's OK to Relax

I've come to realize that it's OK. It's OK that on the weekends we relax. For some time now I've struggled with guilt over relaxing. For so long in our lives the weekends were spent catching up and cramming life into 48 hours.

With just me and Jim, it really is OK to relax.

I have to keep telling myself that. There's time during the week now to do what needs doing so life isn't jammed into just two days anymore.

It really is OK. It's OK to relax.

I'm still not good at it. And I still feel like we should have a long list of things to do like always. But that's not the case anymore. We always have a to-do list, but it's not insurmountable anymore.

I've been thinking about this for a couple weeks now.

It really is OK.

What's next?

I'm sitting here watching the Pit Bulls and Paroles marathon and crying. Damn it. What am I supposed to do with my life? What is round two supposed to be? I have so much left to give, but what am I being called to do? Should I rescue more dogs? Morgan would love that. Should we become foster parents again? I definitely have the compassion to parent. Should I use love of crafts to create for those in need? I bought a new sewing machine, so could do that. Should I write the books that I've been thinking about since before Sara's wedding? Should I get into making dog treats? Would love to buy an RV and get involved in camping/travel. Agility with Morgan? How fun would that be! What is the direction I'm being called in? I just don't know.

Jim and I were talking today and I feel like 2011 is a year of discovery for me. I feel like I'm learning to face the changes in our lives. Today is the first time I've cried since Jayme went back to school. And the tears weren't out of loneliness as in the past. The tears were more about frustration in what's next and when will I find it.

I've sat here wondering what to write as so many thoughts are running through my mind. No clarity today other than I know I'm on the brink of something, just not sure what that something is.